Social skills for dummies
by riftactivity
Summary: Captain John Hart doesn't know how to behave. The team tries to give him pointers.
1. poodles

"I just got off the phone with Andy!! There's been reports of breaking and entering at the dog shelter."

"Gwen, I don't think we know of aliens who are that interested in Dogs. It's hardly our problem is it."

"Not an alien Jack, but your ex-boyfriend?"

Jack was up in no time...

"You must be kidding! John?" Jack stormed out of the office and into the hub where Ianto was working on some admin.

"OK. Ianto, with me..."

"Where are we going Jack?"

"John has been molesting dogs!"

"You must be kidding me? ...He's been giving the dog a bone ?"

"And you think it's funny, do you." Jack said as they stormed out of the office.

* * *

Jack, Ianto and John came back to the hub. They had retconned the kennel-workers and the poodle.

"John, one more time ... dogs are not consenting adults, no matter how old they are in dog years... they do not enjoy cross-species sex."

"But Jack, they feel just like the Grunkenders you know from the Gantum quadrant. Come on, you loved them."

Jack could see Ianto's eye do a somersault.

Jack did like the Grunkenders, they were soft and fluffy. He'd spend numerous days enjoying their hospitality.

Still, this was earth and he'd never seen a poodle emanating purple lights that made you tingle all over. He would have remembered.

"John, I don't care what they feel like. Repeat after me: We do not molest poodles !!"

"Ok! ok! ... We do not molest poodles.. but can't they give their consent in non verbal ways?"

"And what would you consider a consent John?"

"A waggling tail?" John said, sounding hopefull.

* * *

Ianto and Jack watched John leave the hub. muttering about looking for comfort as no-one wanted to spend time with him.

"You know Jack, I really don't see how you could fall for him."

"oh right, you can't see what attracted me in a gorgeous, sexcraving, mysterious, ex-time agent?" Jack grinned at Ianto. "Really Ianto, you of all people should understand."


	2. Andy

Mswilliams : Jack?

Captainhardness : Gwen.

Mswilliams : John has been harassing Andy again. He's been serenading him for 4 hours yesterday.

Captainhardness : I remember him having an nice voice.

_(Mr Jones has been added to the conversation)_

Mswilliams : Ianto, could you talk some sense into Jack please.

Mr Jones : Sense and Jack in the same sentence. Sure you had coffee this morning Gwen.

Captainhardness : hey !!

Mr Jones : What seems to be the problem Gwen. Maybe I can be of assistance.

Mswilliams : Jack's ex has been stalking it's so embarrassing. Last week he stood outside the police station with a big banner saying "Andy you're my favorite candy".

Mr Jones : Subtlety must be innate in the 51st century. :-)

Captainhardness : Hey, again !! Anyway, I think it's cute.

Mswilliams : he's been sending him flowers, used men's underwear, lube, pink fluffy handcuffs. Jack it has to stop! He can't leave the building without John being there.

_(Captain-sex has been added to the converstation)_

Captain-sex : ah look at this, a teammeeting! How is my fav. team doing?

Captainhardness : We'd do much better if you left Andy alone. We don't harass people John. We just don't, Ever!!

Mr Jones : ??

Captainhardness : unless they want you to of course.

Mr Jones : ??

Captainsex : well if someone we know, gave me a tiny bit of his time, I wouldn't need to look for comfort elsewhere, now would I!?

Captainsex : Still not tired of eyecandy Jack? What's he got that I don't?

Ms williams : Yes Jack, tell us. :-)

_(Captainhardness sent you a filetransfer click to accept or to decline.)_

Ms Williams : OMG !!

Mr Jones : JACK !! That's a picture form our "private collection"

Captainsex : right :-) huh :-) who would have thought a suit could hide THAT much :-).

Captainsexy : So Mr Jones. What are you doing this evening.

Mr Jones : After this ? Not Jack.. ever again!

Captainhardness : Ianto?

Mr Jones : Repeat after me Jack !! We do not share our boyfriends nude pictures EVER !!

Ms Williams : no but really!! ... OMG !!

_(Ms williams has left the conversation.)_

_(Mr Jones has left the conversation.)_

Captainhardness : After all these years I still don't get these people.

Captainsex : and you're supposed to teach me how to behave?

Captainsex : so as you're not doing eyecandy any time soon, any chance of you dropping by?

Captainhardness : sorry John, no time, I have some groveling to do.

Captainhardness : Oh and repeat after me !! Andy is NOT your favorite candy !!

_(Captainhardness has left the conversation.)_

_(Captainsex has left the conversation.)_


	3. Weevils

Gwen, Rhys, Jack and Ianto had been celebrating the New Year in a little Indian restaurant when they got an alarm about weevil activity just outside the city.

Apparently Weevils had been spotted crawling out of the sewers and running around like mad... well ... Weevils.

After risking their lives sedating more than 15 crazed Weevils they entered the sewers to check on what scared the animals out of their habitat.

.

"John!! What the fuck do you think you're doing?" Jack was livid, he was losing a lot of blood and Ianto and Gwen had been hurt.

Their nice little evening out was ruined and it wasn't as if they could afford time off whenever they felt like it.

.

"Hey Jack !!" John was grinning broadly "Eye Candy, Gwen and ... big bloke"

Rhys wasn't amused but it made Jack grin a bit.

.

"You met my friends, I see" John said, pointing at the blood on Jack's shirt "they're feisty but they know how to party."

"I will ask this one more time John!! What are you doing ??" Jack pointed a gun at him, John had the slightest impression that this time Jack may very well shoot him.

"OK, OK !! I was celebrating New year with these Weevil guys and I set off some firework. They went mental. Guess it scared them off a bit."

.

They all just stared at John, nobody knew exactly what to say. Finally Jack turned around and started walking towards the exit.

.

"Well no one invited me for New Year!! I might have liked the Indian restaurant!! But NO, that would have been too nice right!! ... So yeah I wanted company...I felt lonely and they aren't half that bad you know the Weevils. They were nice, that's more than can be said about you lot!!"

Gwen bit her lip and looked at Jack. She had that look in her eyes, that "we've been very unkind" look. They turned 'round to look at John. He had puppy-dog-eyes and looked sad and lonely.

Jack heard Ianto say "If he looks at your funny. I swear I'll stun-gun his balls."

"Possessive Ianto?" Jack grinned, "I kind of like that"

.

Jack threw John a dirty look.

"All right John. You can come with us, but no funny business. You annoy us .. we feed you to Janet... Meet us at the hub, we'll party on over there, can't go back to the restaurant looking all bloody can we?!"

John smiled his happy smile "Any chance of all of us getting naked??" he asked while catching up with the team.

Four voices uttered one simple word "NO!!"

.

"Oh and John !! Repeat after me... Weevils are no party animals."


	4. Dating

* * *

John had no 'dating etiquette' and Andy called regularly to inform Torchwood of yet another complaint by a outraged individual.

Following several 'incidents', Jack asked Ianto to make a little list of things they should discuss with John.

They were over at John's place, which Ianto hated, but Jack thought it best 'cause they didn't want John anywhere near the hub.

Ianto'd made the coffee, he didn't trust John with anything that was supposed to end up in their system. He'd made that mistake before and had no intention of going there, ever again.

.

"Ok." Ianto started "I've based my list on the reports Andy sent us. If you have questions, Jack and I will help you through the details."

**1) We do not grope or touch peoples private parts without permission.**

"Well we could start a lengthy debate on what is a permission." John said.

"What was considered a permission in the 51st century?" Ianto asked, looking over at Jack.

Jack smiled, obviously going through memory lane and said "A wink, a smile and a nod towards the exit."

Ianto looked at Jack and John, who both looked at each other and nodded their approval.

"No, that won't work." Ianto ran a hand through his hair, he was starting to see where this was going.

"Let's give this a go" he said after a while "A look is NO permission, a smile is NO permission, a wink is NO permission. The only thing you could consider a permission is having a hand on your privates and a tongue down your throat. Otherwise, you.do.not.touch!!"

Jack looked a bit confused and John downright pouted.

"Point 2" Ianto said slapping his hands together. He thought this might be fun afterall.

**2) Sex toys are no gifts to be given on the first date**.

"Those were 18 carat gold handcuffs" John sounded insulted.

"Well she didn't appreciate it did she cause you've got a restriction order now. And no, Torchwood can't do anything about it, and Ianto won't delete the file from the system '_just because he can_'".

Ianto interrupted before it got nasty.

"Anyway!!... Ladies like flowers, jewelry or perfume. Men will be satisfied with just a bottle of wine."

"Does Jack give you wine eye-candy?"

Jack snorted in his coffee and Ianto knew he was slowly going from pink to vibrant red.

"I thought so !! These rules don't apply to Jack do they?"

Jack grinned, John pouted some more.

**3) Some people are straight, live with it. **

"You don't try to 'convert' people to omnisexuality. Some people are straight live with it."

"They haven't met me yet have they." John looked at Ianto with a big flirty grin "Maybe they'll go all Ianto on me, swap sides because I'm cute and gorgeous."

"I didn't swap sides!! Have you two been talking about me again. Jack? What did I tell you about privacy?" Jack looked down at his cup, not meeting Ianto's eyes, because Ianto could be scary at times.

"Don't fight over me boys" John said sympathetically "Now, kiss and make up!"

Jack looked up at Ianto. "Later?"

Ianto just smiled.

"Later" he confirmed, and Jack knew things were OK.

"Next point is one of my favorite" Ianto said looking at the paper if front of him.

**4) People in uniform have formal functions, we give them the proper respect. (see also rule 1 and rule 3)**

"This is about PC Andy again isn't it? I don't stalk him anymore, I just grope when he happens to pass by." John looked down at his hands. "He's really nice Andy. I kind of like him."

"Yeah well, remember rule nr. 3." Jack said patting John kindly on the shoulder.

**5) Flirting with several people at the same time only works for Jack**.

"Is that because you're very forgiving Ianto?"

"No, John, it's because he's prettier than you"

"no he's not."

"yes he is"

"no he's not"

"yes I am" Jack interrupted and that sort of closed the argument because Jack threw them a self-satisfied ten-thousand-volt-smile and none could argue the fact that Jack was by far the most handsome man in the room.

**6) We do not bring ex girlfriends to earth in order to impress them, especially if they display obvious otherworldly properties.**

"she wasn't that different form humans, Jack, tell him"

"He doesn't need to tell me anything!!" Ianto snapped, he should know because he had been the one being bitch slapped several times while trying to take her down. "She was purple!! And she had a tail."

"They are really sweet though" John still felt a bad about the incident. It had gotten a bit out of hand.

"They're not sweet !! She bit my leg!! Twice!!" Ianto hadn't forgotten. Limping for 3 days is not something you forget, especially when the next day you have to hunt Wheevils.

Jack tried to calm things down "They are nice" he said "but you called her Miss purple and purple in their language means slut."

"Yeah Eye candy, you messed up on that one."

.

Ianto stood there mouth open, gaping like a fish. This was it, he was going to go home and leave these two to it. This was not in his Jobdiscription.

"You know, I always thought this was a bad idea in the first place. Jack is way to good for your sorry ass. We'll discuss the rest of the list some other time. If you have questions about anything on the list call me. I'll give you pointers."

Ianto looked at Jack who seemed to find all this very exciting "Jack, stop looking at us like that, this is not homoerotic, this is pathetic."

Ianto and Jack got up to leave, making their way to the door when suddenly Ianto felt someone squeeze his ass. It couldn't be Jack he was in front of him.

Before John could react he was splayed out on the floor and Jack was carefully removing the stun gun from Ianto's fingers.

"What is it with you and stun guns Ianto! It's turning into an addiction."

"Not an addiction Jack, maybe an inclination. Anyway he broke rule number one."

"You still don't like him much do you." They were both looking at John on the floor.

"Not slightly" Ianto said with a grin.

"So what do we do with him" Jack asked, hands behind his back.

Ianto looked at John. "I think he looks comfortable enough. He's not bleeding or anything"

"Italian then?" Jack said grabbing Ianto's hand.

Ianto straightened his jacket "Absolutely."

"Ianto?"

"Yes Jack?"

"Do I Get permission to grope you?" Jack actually looked worried.

"Always" Ianto said, closing the door behind them.

* * *

If you liked this. I have some more rules in my head but I didn't want to make this to long. hope this was ok.

* * *


End file.
